You know, there was a guy in the Bronx, when I was in New York – there was a guy in the Bronx – who – he was living in a cave – like you do, and, uh, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and uh, ha – ha – a lot of weird things going on with this guy – and they found in his cave – the police picked him up – they found a collection of women’s shoes and they thought, “Maybe he’s a transvestite, and if he is, he’s a fucking weirdo transvestite!” And yeah, also, if you’re a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping.
Were you surprised? I was surprised.Īaanyway, so yes, sooo, duh duh duh duh duh duh, bum, ba, ba. They’ve got guns! They’ve got guns! Jesus, wha – they’ve got guns!” Ahhh, bugger. And the opposing forces going, “Fuckinell, look at these guys. So what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing – the airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun. It’s – wrong shade of lipstick for the army, I’m afraidÖ”Īnd they’re missing a huge opportunity here cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. If you’re a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know, uh, I don’t think they need to ask, really. And so you can’t join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” towards the alternative sexualities. So! I didn’t join the army, as you might have noticedÖ And um, and uh, yeah, cause there’s not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that nighttime look, and that’s a bit slapdash, isn’t it? That’s a bitÖ And they look a mess. Wait ‘til they land! Then go up the clay pigeon. And clay pigeons – everyone shoots them in the air. Shooting clay – clay pigeons – the fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through – “fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!” They do nothing – they don’t even eat – flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they’re all right, you know – spiders keep them, you know – flies don’t eat fuckalls, so kill ‘em. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!” That’s not going to kill too many people, is it? You’d have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that – “Bang! Bang! Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat boom! Bang!” I think they should just try that, you know.īut, uh, yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. You know.Īnd there is – they say – the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, uh, people do.” But I think – I think the gun helps. There’s all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is – I mean 13 year olds keep going out and they borrow – they get a hold of weapons from their grandfather’s arsenal – “I’ll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi, the” – what the fuck’s the grandfather doing? Th – This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons and went and blew away his school. It seems fun – there’s this thing of power in your hands. The gun thing, I liked blowing up milk bottles. And, umm – the running jumping climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit, the – the trees bit.Īnd I was! I was into – I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, found you, ah ha, flag, look, hat, you know. And they always eat n – squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, arararar, and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they’re going, “Did I leave the gas on? No! I’m – no – I’m a fucking squirrel!” And occasionally they go, “Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. And sometimes I’d get up that tree and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! “La la, la la, oh, oh. And uh, and the squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he’d keep nuts on the other side. That’s where it is.Īnd I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. So running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there. And gay men I think would agree.Īnd uh, it’s – it’s male lesbian, that’s really where it is, ok? Because – it’s true! Cause most transvestites fancy girls. And people do get that mixed up – they put transvestite there – no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you. Yeah, its – it’s not drag queen no, gay men have got that covered.
Cause – cause if you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. And I say that and people go, ohhhyuhyuhyuh, no I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes, so, um, uh, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid.
You know, its – end of your life, it’s quite difficult.
#Dressed to kill eddie izzard professional#
Yes, I’m a professional transvestite so I can run about in heels and not fall over cause, uh, you know, if women fall over wearing heels, ah, that’s embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself.
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